


Pain Is Pleasure

by queenvictoriia



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Blood, Brief Mention of Suicide, Depression, Gen, Self-Harm, Trans Character, Trans!Grell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 09:46:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8367655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenvictoriia/pseuds/queenvictoriia
Summary: Grell has convinced herself that pain gives her pleasure.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a much needed rewrite to a story that I posted on fanfiction dot net three years ago. Please note that I am not trying to glorify self harm, nor am I trying to say that people self harm because they find it pleasurable.

Grell likes pain. It makes her feel alive; it gives her great pleasure.

She thoroughly enjoys the agony she feels from each cut of the knife. She shivers in delight with each new line she makes. She laughs breathlessly in glee as she cuts jagged lines all over her body. She watches in awe as the blood flows down her arms or her legs or wherever she cuts. She smiles when she sees her favorite color flowing all over her body.

She revels in the sorrow she feels every time her darling Will rejects and hurts her. Her hips wiggle as she feels her heart being twisted more and more each time she is turned away. It makes her smile and giggle and swoon over William every time. She loves metaphorically having her heart ripped from her chest and then stomped on repeatedly. She thrives on getting smacked with William's scythe and having the man step on her and nearly break ribs.

She relishes in the pain he feels when her dearest Bassy beats the living daylight out of her. She loves it when she is thrown to the ground and battered by the demon. She takes the abuse and gushes over how she is in love with Sebastian and how she wants to have the demon's babies. It doesn’t matter to her that Sebastian injures her nearly every time they have an encounter. She loves the pain, so she keeps coming back for more.

She absolutely adores the dysphoria she experiences on a daily basis because she cannot have the female body that she so desires. She loves the fact that everyone refers to her as “him” despite the desperate attempts she makes to act like a proper lady. It makes her feel so good to be relentlessly mocked and called pathetic and a fag by her coworkers.

She loves the tears that come at night from all the pain she's been caused that day. They are happy tears. She is happy; she adores the pain. Pain is her best friend. She feels alive when pain is present. She longs for it each day. She wants it and needs it. So the tears have to be out of joy. The fresh cuts on her hip sting as they continue to bleed. She shivers in pleasure at the sensation of it. It’s not enough pain, though. She hasn’t yet cut deep enough for her to experience true pain. She almost wants to grab her scythe and end it all, but it’s not quite a desire. She doesn’t really want to die. (After all, she’s already tried that, and this is where she ended up.)

She just wants to feel pain. And that requires being alive (though she wonders vaguely if she is even alive. Probably not, but it doesn’t matter.) And so she takes the knife and makes another cut, even deeper than the previous ones. She moans at the surge of pain that causes, loving it. It is only when a drop of clear liquid falls onto her red-stained leg that she realizes she is crying. Surely these are tears of pure joy. They must be. They have to be.

Because Grell likes pain. At least, that's what she's convinced herself.


End file.
